What is a teen?
- Teen years are a period where we notice significant changes in behaviour.
- This is due to changes occuring in the brain to prepare them for adulthood.
- Scientists call this period adolescence and it runs from about 10-19 years old.
- During this time the wiring in your teens brain is physically changing to enable them to think like an adult.
- This is an absolutely crucial development period for our teens. Without it they won’t learn to predict future outcomes to their actions, make an adult social group or become independent so they can eventually leave home (and in this day and age we need that).
- To help them learn your teen is going to experience increased intensity of emotions. Contrary to the popular belief, these are not hormonal, this is actually part of the rewiring in the brain.
- To get a sense of how strong those feelings are, think about a time when you have seriously lost your temper. That is the general level of feeling teens are experiencing during the day.
- We can quickly see how tiring that would be for them. There emotions are heightened in order to force them into situations where they practice adult skills.
What to expect - how our relationship will change!
Teenagers (or adolescents as we now know to call them) experience a lot of changes. We will look at some of the overarching ones that will affect you daily. We will start with the behaviour, look at what they are learning and how we can support that development.
- Becoming argumentative or pedantic. Adolescents seem to want to challenge us on everything, tell us to chill out when we don’t fold instantly and then pick on tiny details they feel we have got wrong.
- They are developing the part of their brain just behind the forehead which allows them to reason. They are learning to see gray areas, work out what is morally right (rather than just follow rules), take other people’s perspective and to negotiate. These are crucial skills for the workplace, adult relationships and standing up for what is right.
- We can support this development by helping them to identify the feeling they are having and why what we are discussing matters to them. Using the conversation to explore different people’s perspectives and consequences will help them see the world is not just about them.
- Taking worrying levels of risk, particularly when with friends, for no apparent reason.
- We care for our children doing the most essential activities for them. We largely decide their schedule and what they do. There is little incentive for them to leave home.
- In order to get our children to become adults they need to learn the boundaries of what they are capable of. As a result nature changes the Teen brain to become more risky. You can expect them to test their physical limits as well as the limits of their existing boundaries at home, in school or in their friendship group. This is a period of learning to set their own boundaries.
- This is going to create a lot of conflict in the home and worry for you. To best support this development we can engage in discussions about what happened enthusiastically (even if we are worried and angry). We can discuss why the behaviour is inappropriate or dangerous, how it affects others as well as them and try to get them to propose a different course of action for the future.
- Shedding household routines and challenging authority figures.
- As part of adolescence Teens are going to seek adult independence. That means shedding adult imposed and household boundaries and routines. This will be driven by that desire to take risks and then followed by arguing about it to practice those reasoning skills.
- As adults this can be very stressful. It feels like a pie in the face followed by a punch in the stomach. Your Teen actually starts to find you annoying by default as their parent.
- To keep your stress levels as low as possible here reflect on the routines and rules in your house. What is it about them that is the non-negotiable? Focus your energy on this part and be prepared to hold a negotiation on the rest.
