Punishment: build trust don’t break it
Times of conflict are the easiest to damage trust. Here at Same Boat Parents we are astounded by how regularly parents think they are doing the right thing by punishing their child when it is actually making the situation - and many future ones - much harder.
Punishment is a concept society has drummed into you. You feel weak if you don’t come up with something sufficiently nasty when your teen has pushed the boundaries. The Same Boat Parents team have decades of experience helping other people’s teens be less confrontational. Here are strategies you can use when in conflict with your teen to make your life easier and help them learn to be more adult:
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Treat them like the adult they want to become
Be clear that you see that they are wanting more adult independence. Ensure that they hear how that means you will treat them differently. They now have to earn privileges by showing you they can do what you need from them in return for what they need from you. Just like with other adults there will be some things they still don’t get to do because you are responsible for their safety and it’s not time yet. This give and take approach will be effective in helping you reach a happy medium which reduces conflict and helps them develop more adult skills.
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Give them a chance to put it right
Teens will sometimes overstep the mark even given every chance. That’s because they are programmed to. In these situations punishment and nothing are the two worst things you can do. Punishment will enrage them and damage trust making them less likely to comply in the future. Doing nothing sends a clear message that the boundary they crossed no longer exists.
- Quick wins include:
- Getting a sincere apology and continuing to bring it up regularly until you get it.- Giving them an opportunity to put the situation right instead of an apology.- Giving choices of how they want to put things right (giving them a little control). -
ALWAYS follow through
Teens will happily test any threats you make and they don’t care much about what is happening tomorrow because they are programmed to focus on their immediate needs. Avoid making life hard for yourself by threatening things you will struggle to deliver or giving consequences which are happening somewhere in the future.
